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Tales from Arondell: Sodom [Prologue]
Tales from Arondell: Sodom [Chapter 1]
Tales from Arondell: Sodom [Chapter 3]
Tales from Arondell: Sodom [Chapter 4]
I've submitted this again, rather than updating, because I may or may not update all existing chapters to reflect the newer changes.
I'm changing this story to present tense First Person [multiple characters, with the chapter title indicating which character is narrating the story]. I've made this decision for a couple reasons, even though it's risky:
1] I find it easier to express thoughts and feelings in FPV
2] It will fit in with the series I'm writing [I'm writing all the other stories in FPV]
3] It's a more intimate way to write.
4] I'm finding areas that could do with some more description, or "showing, not telling". As such, small bits of narrative have been removed, and new bits added.
as well as comments. These help me to grow as a writer. 
-----
(c) Katherine Franklin [Katherine Franklin Art and Vestia-the-Fallen] 2008-2014
Tales from Arondell: Sodom [Chapter 1]
Tales from Arondell: Sodom [Chapter 3]
Tales from Arondell: Sodom [Chapter 4]
I've submitted this again, rather than updating, because I may or may not update all existing chapters to reflect the newer changes.
I'm changing this story to present tense First Person [multiple characters, with the chapter title indicating which character is narrating the story]. I've made this decision for a couple reasons, even though it's risky:
1] I find it easier to express thoughts and feelings in FPV
2] It will fit in with the series I'm writing [I'm writing all the other stories in FPV]
3] It's a more intimate way to write.
4] I'm finding areas that could do with some more description, or "showing, not telling". As such, small bits of narrative have been removed, and new bits added.
as well as comments. These help me to grow as a writer. -----
(c) Katherine Franklin [Katherine Franklin Art and Vestia-the-Fallen] 2008-2014Mature
© 2014 - 2024 Kate-ColourTheory
Comments16
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NO, WHY IS ZAE BEING DISTANT NOW!? STAHP!!
Your writing is absolutely enchanting.
The only criticism I have is your dialogue at times. You use it very well, but you tend to simulate conversation like you're transcribing. While it's natural, it's also robotic in the sense that it's so exact in detail. For instance here: “I... Uh... I-I shouldn't have...” Having "I shouldn't have" would do, and then narrate his stutter. To dictate and transcribe doesn't leave much to the reader, which can suck the life out of a story a bit.
Oh, and a little thing, but there are a few unnecessary ellipses too. Careful not to wear out their effect.
Otherwise, brilliant as always! This is so rich in refreshing description ;~; Very inspiring.
Your writing is absolutely enchanting.
The only criticism I have is your dialogue at times. You use it very well, but you tend to simulate conversation like you're transcribing. While it's natural, it's also robotic in the sense that it's so exact in detail. For instance here: “I... Uh... I-I shouldn't have...” Having "I shouldn't have" would do, and then narrate his stutter. To dictate and transcribe doesn't leave much to the reader, which can suck the life out of a story a bit.
Oh, and a little thing, but there are a few unnecessary ellipses too. Careful not to wear out their effect.
Otherwise, brilliant as always! This is so rich in refreshing description ;~; Very inspiring.